I quit seeking. If I ever was.
There is nothing to find
I stop measuring every thought, every emotion, every action with some invisible calipers to see if it measures up.
I don’t mind if it does or it doesn’t.
One might even say I don’t care, though that is harder to judge. The heart is an unknowable thing, compared to which the mind is a cake-walk.
Maybe I don’t care. I don’t care. I’ll see if it fits.
The requirements are too ill-defined. They change. They do not endure. They are notions fashioned by mortals according to their random conditioning.
I do not need it.
Yes, I dare to say I, knowing I is a mortal fallible thing. A passing glimmer.
Modesty and restraint and effort can take a hike. They are a tightening of the reins that chokes off the arteries.
I am going to curse if I feel like it, think bad thoughts if they come, eat when I want, bitch if it entertains me, lie down and do nothing for days. Months, if i want. I owe nothing to no-one, and especially nothing to me.
If kindness comes, it will come by itself. If love awakens it will awaken by itself. If wisdom or light dawns, it will dawn all by itself. If anger comes I will swim in it. If sadness comes I will know it. If courage comes I will roar. If I dance, I will dance. If I fall down I fall down. If the Void splits open and God beckons me there, I will go. If it doesn’t I won’t.
There is nothing to find, no going or coming away.